Regarding Donuts…

I stumbled on some interesting ‘missed connections’ on Craigslist.  Brought to you in it’s entirety.

Never have sweeter words been uttered…

Dear donut, – w4m (Safeway donut section)

I saw you, you looked at me. There was an instant connection. I wish I would have done something about it.
Location: Safeway donut section

Dear donut eater, – w4m (Safeway donut section)

Yeah, I saw you looking at me. At least I thought you were looking at me, but I wasn’t sure at the time. My glaze was dripping a little, and I couldn’t tell if it was me or Mr. Fancy-pants chocolate with all his little sprinkles on top. Or the fritters. I hate the fritters. They think they’re so much better than all the rest of us. I mean, if anybody should have an attitude it should be the cream filled. Now that’s a whole tray of hotties who know how to party, but they don’t get all uppity about it like the fritters do.
Anyway, I hope you come back for me. They may have stuck me on the discount rack, so please look for me. I’ll wait for you, until I get moldy.
Location: Safeway donut section

Dear Glazed Donut – w4m (Across the aisle)

Look…I saw her…she was looking at you. With nothing but lustful eyes and watering mouth. I saw how she gave you those eyes. All you are is instant gratification. You are only immediate gratification. You can only leave her with an empty heart, disgust for her inability to resist you, and that glaze on her lips. You, you only offer her heartbreak.
I love her. She needs me. She saw me too. She could always just smother me in anything she wanted. I would welcome the jelly, peanut butter, butter, or even salmon. Cream cheese would be welcome. I can fulfill her. I can give her what she needs without the guilt. I only wanted a chance. But NO, you and your sweet delicious pastry counterparts dragged her away from me.
Stay away from her. I have connections in produce that you don’t want to mess with.
Location:  Across the aisle

Donut and bagel, Re: our angel (warming tray)

You guys have some funny ideas. Pure sweetness, even glazed, isn’t in her future. She’s been there, licked that, wiped away the insistent crystals of sugary pointless pleasure’s residue. She’s shopping for a future. We’re done here.
And honey, I like you. I really do. I respect what you’ve gone through and the strength you have inside. I don’t call it staleness. But getting boiled isn’t exactly hiding the mileage on that skin. It’s cruel, the nickname I hear for you: “leatherface.” That’s not right. You’re good people. But let’s face it: you’re all about what’s spread on top of you. It ain’t you they’re thinking about as they indulge.
I don’t like being competitive when feelings are involved, but then it never was a competition with the likes of you. Feel the heat off of me? Thoroughbred. My goal is her total satisfaction in a 30-30-40 balance with my delicious gooey caress, voluptuous mouth feel, spicy tang, and the satisfaction of a long, savory swoon through my crumbling, buttery layers. That’s before she reaches the purity of what’s wrapped up in all my goodness: straight-up egg whites. Yeah.  She’s gonna love every moment she spends with me, and she’ll earn a long-lasting energy supply along with all the building blocks of muscle, brain, and hormones. You know which ones.
But ya’ll keep chattering on. When morning comes we’ll see who she embraces with firm tongs of stainless steel. Who she transports on waxed paper to the cool side of the plate next to that blistering Americano (black, no sugar, no cream, she’s real, dig?).
-The egg, sausage and cheese breakfast sandwich
Location: warming tray

Dear Bagel – w4m (Safeway donut section)

Oh, bagel, please. Now you’re starting to sound like the fritters. I never knew a plain old piece of bread could have so much vanity. Look, I haven’t spent too much time with you since you’re over there with the bread, and I’m here with the donuts, but you seem nice enough so I’ll make this easy for you. It’s your toppings that are killing you. I mean really, what is that saying about you that you have to have toppings? You’re bland. You’re boring. You have no personality, and rely on others to make you seem interesting. It’s just not gonna happen.
Yes, I’m instant gratification, and you are, at least in your mind, so much more. But all you really have to offer her is empty carbs, an entire additional decision making process, and more shopping. While she’s debating the fat content of cream cheese vs. the health benefits of salmon, and comparing those to butter, jelly, or peanut butter, she could be simply enjoying a delicious moment with me. You’re high maintenance, and entirely unfulfilling on your own. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to have to tell you, but it needed to be said.
As for your friends in produce….please. First of all, they’re way over on the other side of town. Second of all, produce is about as scary as The Jonas Brothers deciding they’re gonna buy Harley’s and join a gang. Limp organic bastards.
Location: Safeway donut section

Dear Breakfast Sandwich – w4m (Safeway DONUT section)

Ok, now this is getting a little creepy. I can understand bagel thinking he might have a shot since he lives just across the aisle. But come on, really? Sandwich, you sit in a case in the front of the store, made hours ago, kept warm with a heat lamp, all the while hoping nobody notices that time stamp on your wrapper that’s ticking away the minutes ever faster. And what’s all this crap about a “delicious gooey caress” and a “voluptuous mouth feel”? You’ve been taking that creative writing course by mail again, haven’t you? Congealed imitation cheese food on what surely started life as powdered eggs, over a greasy patty of mystery meat, all covered by an English muffin that’s probably soggy now from the condensation in your wrapper as you sat there is not appealing. All you really have to offer her is the runs.
Guys….give it a break. Did you even read her original post? It said “Dear donut”, not dear bagel, or dear congealed imitation food product. Dear donut. She wants me, but you two think you’ll be good for her. You think you could take care of her. That sounds like most of the creepy guys on craigslist, don’t ya think?
Location: Safeway DONUT section

Dear Bagel, Donut and other Baked Goods… – w4m

Ive enjoyed the bantor thus far between you gluten filled temptations to sinning. However, Over here in the Salad Bar we are not only quick, easy and well, lets just say it… more colorful and thus, healthier. I know I know… you count on your sugar coated appearance and ‘bad boy/girl” reputations to tempt those that linger and gaze at your glaze but lets just state the facts. You are but a 2 minute stand, at best. They drool with desire and when they finally give in to temptation and consume you, the guilt lay for days. Hiding it from spouses, significant others and hell, even the doctor. Who wants to live a life of secrets and shame? You care nothing but empty calories and guilt. Facts are Facts.

Now, Donut you can call the bagel out. I get it. Sometimes, society convinces us that something is really good for us and we fall into the hidden pitfalls that lay beyond. Bagel, Donut is right. YOu try your damnedist to be tempting by layering yourself with condiments and spreads but in the reality of it all? You are a gluten filled mess! Not to mention both of you have an empty center and core to your being. What does that ultimately say about you? Having a hole? Not a whole lot I presume. You are definitely NOT a complete meal nor snack. You both have the same boring core. And Donut, who eats plain donuts anyway? I think thats calling the kettle black, dontcha think? All of you guys are covered in some sort of caloric high maintance glaze, sprinkle or glitz. Just another superficial food if you ask me.
The salad bar is a hidden treasure of colorful goodness, sweet and savory. Still healthy any which way you serve it. Easy on the eyes and the thighs! Hell, we take those bullys over in produce and show em’ a lesson! Quick, healthy and ready to serve! Not to mention, we offer a complete sustaining meal for hours on.
Drop the act Bakery, Just stay over there in your pretty ambiance lit space and let people admire you thru the plexiglass. Let the fat lady cram 12 of you in a box and ruiin your lil’ pretty facades in transport. Either way you slice it, Salad Bar brings it!
Location: Salad Bar

Dear donut eater – w4m (donut section)

I’m getting weary of all this. All these weirdo’s, claiming they can give you what you need, when none of them are offering you what you really want. Getting what you need doesn’t make you happy. Getting what you want does. It’s like getting socks for Christmas. Sure, you need socks, but what you really wanted was an Xbox.
You and I have a connection. You said it yourself in your post, which obviously Bagel, Breakfast Sandwich, and especially Salad didn’t even bother to read. And Salad even had the nerve at the end to call you fat! Hey! Salad! You wanna step outside for a minute? You’re talking about my lady.
I care about you, donut eater. Your happiness is my only concern, and I’m here for you when you’re ready to come back for me.
Until happiness finds us together…
Location: donut section

Dear Donut

Please…..Now I know I’m not much to look at but these comments about me…….jeez…..I feel like there’s a big hole right in the middle of me now.
Your Blazing Bagel
: )

Dear assorted foods… – w4m (Meat counter…)

Okay Donuts got a point. She was looking at him first. Then whiny bagel got into it. Where the hell did the sandwich come into it? Salad bar…you’re a dirty hippy and my sworn enemy.
I am that 12oz. New York strip she wanted. She stood there on the other side of the glass and debated on if she just wanted me or have a manage a everyone with me, that whore of a lobster tail, broccoli, and that potato she’s been eyeing. She opted for some Charmin (lucky bastard) and a tube of toothpaste. She wanted me, she is like a lot of women…wants the no RbST protien baby. 12oz. of lean meat. Me. Not you donut…you empty 120 calorie hack. Not you bagel, whiny pogue. Not you sandwich. You are a distant half cousin, but you’re retarded if you think she wants you, ditch the ciabatta bread and stop being trendy. Chipotle…riiiight. Salad bar…you’re a dirty hippy. You and your ilk sicken me. Ooooh I’m healthy I’m full of vitamins and minerals….shut up. She loads you with dressing and fools herself into eating you.
All of you give it up. She wants me…I’m what’s for dinner.
Location: Meat counter…

Donut eater…where are you? – w4m (Safeway donut section)

Donut eater, my love, where have you gone? I’m trying to explain to these naive simpletons the connection we share, the one you posted about, longing for…wishing…hoping. I understand. I felt it too.
First it was Bagel, then Breakfast Sandwich, then Salad, and now Steak. When will this insanity end? They can hope, but in the end they will never realize their hope is fleeting. You and I have something they will never have, and really, they will never understand. But you and I know.
I lay awake at night and listen to the hum of the compressor in the dairy case, trying to imagine the touch of your lips against my moist, sweet coating. Why have you left me to fight this fight on my own? Was it just a phase? Was I some kind of “rebound” desire? Help me donut eater, I beg you. I need you now more than ever. Tell them. Tell them all. Don’t let our love be a secret any more. You posted once, and I have to believe that was your true desire. Don’t tell me it’s gone. Tell them all that you love me, and only me. Tell them, donut eater. I beg of you.
Eternally yours…
Location: Safeway donut section

Dearest Donut, (I bear bad news) – w4m (Straight from my heart)

I’m over you. Giant costco muffin is where it’s at. With it’s rich chocolatey chips, and it’s sweet sweet after taste. I mean, Becky, look at its muffin top! It’s not you, donut. It’s me. I have one sweet tooth only. And it belongs to Giant costco muffin. We’re done with.
Location: Straight from my heart

Dear Donut eatin BEE-OTCH! – w4m (Safeway pastry case)

I can’t believe how cold and heartless you are. The rest of us here could tell. You didn’t fool us with your flirty glance, and your self serving craigslist post. But we couldn’t convince Donut. He was crazy for you, and this is how you treat him? You abandoned him for Costco Muffin? What kind of slut are you? We all know that everywhere Muffin goes, he brings 11 of his friends with him. None of us really though you were good for Donut, but we had no idea you were such a whore.
We know he’s better off without you, but he doesn’t see it. He’s devistated, and it’s all your fault. You’ve destroyed his hope, and crushed his dreams, for what? Muffin and his gang bangin’ little hoodlum friends? You should be ashamed of yourself. I just want you to know, you two-bit hussy, that Donut is hanging out with Waffle now, and we know how bad that’s gonna get. Waffle is gonna get him into the syrup, and when that happens we’ll be the ones to save him. You bitch. You’ve ruined him, and we all hate you.
Fritter, Cruller, Croissant & Eclair
Location: Safeway pastry case

Ahh love…

References (while they last):



  1. Neb said,

    March 15, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Go for the steak, baby!

  2. Elle Laval said,

    March 15, 2010 at 10:02 pm


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